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Return This!

January 7, 2014

Not a fan of at least one gift you received this past holiday? Are you waiting in line to return something this very minute? If you’re a woman, chances are you might be.

According to a recent study by FedEx, about one-third of Americans, mostly women, will return a gift they received during the holidays. One-third! As an admitted “Return-Aholic” I get it. Maybe the gift didn’t fit, wasn’t your style or you’re never going to use it, so why clutter up your home. Regardless, what all these returns add up to is more than wasted money; it’s wasted time.slippers

Everyone wants to give the perfect gift, claiming, “I know you and what you like!” Sometimes we’re spot on. Like tickets to Wicked on Broadway or orange mittens. But often – apparently a third of the time – we miss the mark. That’s why I’m a fan of occasionally giving gift cards. They may not be “personal” or “special,” but they always fit and they’re never returned.

The news said thatchia yesterday, the first Monday of 2014, was officially the worst day of the year. Aside from it being a Monday and the fact that the holidays are over and you probably already broke your new year’s resolution, it was the day most folks realized how much they spent on holiday gifts and how much debt they’re now facing. A friend said it took her until April of last year to pay off her 2012 holiday gifts and she predicts this year to be worse. Considering a third of those gifts she just bought might be returned, I’d say she’s right.

In appreciation of all the gifts most likely to be returned, below is a song to sing while you’re overheating in a long return line. It can be sung to the tune of “12 Days of Christmas.” To save time, I only included the final verse.

12 Days of Returning Stuff My Good Friends Gave To Me

On the twelfth day of Returning Stuff My Good Friends Gave To Me:
Twelve cute kitten calendars
Eleven gross cheese logs
Ten tins of flavored popcorn
Nine heavy fruitcakes
Eight Chia Pet heads
Seven self-help books
Six fuzzy slippers
Five ugly sweaters
Four re-gifted bathrobes
Three French manicures
Two turtlenecks
And a battery-operated cellulite massager

Returned anything this year? Do tell.


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  1. Edes Gilbert permalink

    Too funny…the gross cheese logs really do it for me!!

    Sent from my iPad


  2. Mark permalink

    who doesn’t like turtle necks. u on a flight?

  3. Ha ha ha! Although I am typing this on my new fabulous Nook from my brother & sister-in-law, I’m wearing great warm socks my mom gave me and I can’t wait to take tap dance classes in my new tap shoes given to me by my daughter & significant other (after I get my new hip) I love cash; lots of it!

  4. Jackie Burkey permalink


    Sent from my iPhone


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