Home Contracting 101
It’s been two months since I started my kitchen renovation. I’m now on my fourth contractor (with two more on a list in case this one doesn’t work out) and not a thing has been done. The first contractor showed up early and said he could do the job. Then I never heard from him again. The second and the third contractors scheduled appointments and never showed up. The fourth one showed up on time, said he’d send me an estimate the next day. It’s been a week. I’m still waiting. So as I prepare to call my fifth contractor, I’ve been wondering if maybe this is the norm, that this is what contractors were taught at Contractor College. I could only imagine their syllabus to look something like this:
Home Contracting 101 Course Syllabus
Office Hours: Mondays 1-1:15PM
Office Phone: Don’t bother.
Email Address: People still email?
Class Hours: Tuesdays and Thursdays if I feel like it
Description of course:
Home Contracting 101 delves into the intricacies and secrecies that cloak the world of home improvement contractors. In this course you will learn:
- How not to return phone calls without feeling guilty
- How to schedule appointments with a straight face, knowing you have no intention of showing up
- How to decipher between the big “pay day” jobs and the small insignificant jobs so you’ll know when to blow off the small jobs
- How to make a client believe you really do care about the renovation of their tiny kitchen
- To introduce students to the fine art of misleading clients into thinking you will actually show up.
- To provide students with the fundamental skills and knowledge of how to come up with excuses for being late, not showing up, and not returning phone calls.
- To orient students on the proper way to handle a tape measure to trick clients into believing you really know how to use it.
Cell phone that doesn’t return calls
Stub of a Number 2 pencil
Expensive designer jeans
25 foot tape measure that only opens to five feet
Precision Estimate Padding
Promises You Know You Won’t Keep
How To Lie With A Straight Face
Course work will be weighted as follows:
Coming up with excuses 75%
Not following through 25%
Attendance will be graded as follows:
Four or more absences: A
Three absences: B
Two absences: C
One absence: D
Perfect attendance: F
Disclaimer: If you are a person of your word and are reliable, this course isn’t for you.